


Ascending Emerald

by voldys_sidekick



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Gen Work, M/M, Swearing, a lot of swearing, implied and stated homosexuality, millicent is the protag, there are original slytherin characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-23 14:27:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14936040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voldys_sidekick/pseuds/voldys_sidekick
Summary: Millicent Bulstrode is not special. She is a very normal witch. Until she isn't.The story of one girl evolving, changing, ascending.





	1. First Year

Millicent Bulstrode is a child. She is a small child with a round face and heavy eyebrows that people say she got from her great-grandmother, Lady Bulstrode. She is a child when she discovers that her favorite thing to eat is the house-elf's cream pastries. It changes to mille-feuilles in a week, though. She is a child when she first does accidental magic and there is a party with the children from other pureblood families, children that she knows, children that she plays with. The adults sit at the big-people table and laugh when she turns Gregory Goyle's eyebrows pink.

 

Millicent is eleven. She's in Diagon Alley, buying her books. She's in Madame Malkin's, and Madame Malkin mutters distractedly that they're going to need extra fabric, pulling out more and more as Millicent is caught in between swathes of fabric. That's the first time she sees the twist of her mother's face, and she doesn't understand. She is eleven and eating ice-cream, and her mother snatches it before she is finished, saying, "That's enough now, Milly." She is eleven when she doesn't understand because her mother has never taken food away from her before.

 

She is on the Hogwarts Express when she meets Pansy Parkinson, who laughs when Milly says her name, but shares her cauldron cakes and sneers at the boy who remarks that Milly's stuffing her face. She is eleven, when she sits on the stool, pudgy legs barely reaching the ground, and places the Sorting Hat on her head. It discards Gryffindor and Ravenclaw easily, and she's not surprised – she's never been the first to volunteer for games with the other pureblood children and she's never cared much for books. But it does say Hufflepuff once and Millicent almost screams in horror and the Hat sighs. It says she's chosen a difficult path, but Milly doesn't care, Milly wants to make her mother proud. She's eleven when she sees some disappointed faces when she walks to her house table, and Pansy beams brightly at her. Draco nods - she's known him since she was a child – but is too focused on the Potter boy to say anything else. She is in first year when the Potter boy is sorted, and she wonders if no-one else notices that his eyes are Slytherin-green. It is clear that his mind has already been poisoned – he looks at Slytherins with distrust, like everyone else looks at them.

 

Millicent is in first year when she asks if she can play with two Ravenclaw girls - she loves Exploding Snap - and they sneer and tell her they don't trust her enough to not cheat. Milly wants to tell them that she doesn't cheat unless she really, really wants to win and it's only a game, but Pansy shows up at the right time, mocks the girls and hustles Milly back to the common room. She helps her knot her tie, gives her a green scrunchie to tie her hair (even though it's really too short) and says that they don't need other houses.

She is in first year when she has her first flying lesson and Madam Hooch says she might be a little too heavy for the broom, so she shouldn't try it right now, maybe just watch? So she watches as Draco, who hasn't gotten over Potter's rejection of his friendship, takes Longbottom's little toy and chaos ensues. As Draco goes higher, Pansy grips her arm, blunt nails digging into her skin, but still she doesn't allow Milly to try and help. If he wants it, he'll ask for it, she says and Milly slowly begins to learn.

 

She is in first-year when they win the House Cup, and then they don't, and she experiences joy then plummeting disappointment for the first time. All the other houses cheer, because it's Gryffindor, it's always Gryffindor and no-one seems to be able to stomach a Slytherin triumph. Milly is learning.


	2. Second Year

Milly is twelve and she somehow knows that Ginny Weasley is acting oddly, but she doesn't know how she knows, and she can't ask because her robes are lined with green, and the colour of grass, of emeralds, of trees, of the Boy-who-Lived's eyes, is somehow akin to an ugly brand. She is a Slytherin, a snake and no-one can trust her. This is what she has learnt. She is twelve when Professor Lockhart enters the school and she is the only one who seems to not like him amongst the girls, he feels wrong, wrong, wrong, but Milly is still fascinated with beauty.

She is twelve when the Chamber of Secrets is reopened and somehow the lack of a target on their backs is more of a target than anything is twelve when she goes to the Duelling Club and she sees people look at her and snigger, familiar disgust written on Granger's face as she approaches and that is the first time she sees red. She drops her wand and tries to crush Granger – how dare she, how dare she look at Milly like that, like she's stupid just because she takes more time to cast spells, just because words run slow in her head. Potter pulls her off just in time and she shakes him off because he looks at her the same way. She almost strangles Granger and she feels good about it – it feels good to show someone that she's not powerless and she only feels bad when she's in the familiar dormitory, hugging her cat.

She is in second year when she hears Potter speak to a snake and watches as people turn against him, because there's nothing worse than being able to talk to a serpent. She is shocked when she hears that parents want to take their children away, that Hogwarts may close, because she likes it here, she likes her friends. When she writes to her mother, she gets a letter back saying not to worry, that Milly isn't in any danger, to stay close to her friends. Milly is twelve when she looks in the mirror and decides that she wants to have blonde or black hair like other girls, not boring mud-brown, then has to go to Madame Pomfrey when she accidentally spells it dirty green.

Millicent is twelve when she's standing in the corridor and Tracey Davis say, God, move!, in this exasperated voice that leaves a pit in her stomach, because it's not her fault she's slightly larger than other students, and for the first time she feels like she takes up too much space, like she wants to shrink down on herself. When Pansy offers her another sausage at breakfast, she declines.

Millicent is twelve, until it's her birthday and her parents send her sweets - French bonbons, sugary and delicate - and a necklace that fits a little too tightly around her neck. But it's ever so pretty, all gold with a opalescent stone, and Millicent loves prettiness. She puts the sweets in a tin and asks Cassius Warrington to put a Preserving Charm on them, which he does, then ruffles her hair. The sweets are finished within a week - she cannot resist temptation and she has to give one to whoever's in the room every time she opens the tin.

Millicent is in second year when Draco joins the Quidditch team, and although she doesn't usually pay attention to these things, she has to listen to Pansy's proud babbling. Pansy drags her to the first practice and the Gryffindors are there. She sees Potter's messy black hair, Weasley's freckles and Granger's distinct puff of hair and she knows this isn't going to end well. Within the space of a minute, Draco has managed to antagonize all of them. He opens his mouth and says a word that she recognizes, even though she's too far away to hear it. Weasley attempts to curse him - Pansy stands up the moment he draws his wand - but it backfires and all she can think is, Draco, you stupid git. Pansy assures her that he was only calling her what she was and Milly says she knows, but did he really have to do in front of so many people?

Milly is in second year, when she hears Marcus use rude words with his friends, throwing it around casually. Pansy and her giggle and use it a few more times experimentally. It sounds a bit weird and Professor Snape takes away twenty points when he hears it, so they don't say it again.

She is in second year when her friend, Daphne, is hexed because she took one step too close to a half-blood and Professor Snape is the only teacher that seems to notice. Milly sits at her friend's bedside and comforts her when she cries, worrying that the hex will be permanent. The rest of her term is almost normal, interspersed with attacks on students she doesn't know, but nobody in her dormitory is able to sleep and so they sit up, light glowing at the ends of their wands and talk.

It is almost the end of the year when the attacks stop but the hateful stares continue. Milly doesn't mind too much.


	3. Third Year

Milly is thirteen and this time at Madame Malkin's, her mother doesn't allow the extra cloth, saying that Milly needs to fit into her clothes, that she can't be expanding every year. Milly feels her face flame with embarrassment at the half-pitying look on the shop owner's face. On Platform 9 and 3/4, she feels self-conscious in her blouse and skirt, her shoulders hunching forward to hide the way her chest has grown, because she's sure no-one else has the body of a woman with legs like pillar stumps. When she boards the train, looking for the rest of the girls, she feels a lot better when she sees Pansy wearing a very tight blouse that clings to her lithe body. The difference is that her shoulders are straight, and her chin up. The boys arrive and Pansy crosses her long, long legs, making Theo Nott stare but Draco greets them as usual and shrugs off his bag quickly, saying that he has to go torment Potter. Pansy pouts until the train stops suddenly. Dementor, Dementors are on board. They are looking for Sirius Black. Pansy is shivering but Milly can't move, Milly is frozen, because that's what fear does to her, it sets her in concrete and baptizes her in ice. Daphne is crying out for her little sister and Tracey is muttering that she's sorry, she's really sorry, please forgive her? No-one comes to look for them and when they see black robes floating past their compartment, they huddle together and pray. When the train makes a juddering start, they don't talk. Daphne hands out chocolate -  _my mother said it's good for you_  - and they change their robes in a silence that feels like the silence of a graveyard.

Milly is thirteen and sitting in the Great Hall, when little Astoria Greengrass gets sorted into Slytherin and Daphne beams. Draco is laughing with Vince and Gregory about Potter's spectacular fainting fit because of the Dementors and Blaise murmurs quietly to her that Draco had to support himself with Vince's biceps for half-an-hour. She laughs and he looks pleased. She is thirteen when she starts to talk to boys properly - they're not as annoying now - but Pansy is the one who really shines, Pansy with her well-fitted robes and glossy black hair, her laughter and cutting, rapid-fire remarks. Zahra Shafiq is pretty as well, all thick, dark eyelashes and golden-brown skin, but she cares about Potions and Herbology more than anything else.

Milly is in third year when they have their Care of Magical Creatures class and she is terrified because there's a huge vicious-looking beast with wings and the idiot giant professor wants them to go and bow to it. Of course, the Golden Boy goes first, and as Draco steps up, her stomach twists with dread. It's like someone else's feelings are pouring into hers and she can see what's going to happen, as if it's superimposed over reality. When the hippogriff strikes, she is the only one not to react with shock because she had seen it already and there is blood, blood, blood, Draco is yelling and Pansy is crying, Crabbe and Goyle give identical alarmed grunts as they try and save their leader. Milly stays with Pansy, but her head is hazy and she doesn't know what just happened.

Milly is in third year when they have their first Divination class and she's not quite interested until Trelawny starts listing symptoms that they may get from having visions. Intuition, she says and Milly understands. Random feelings, she says and Milly understands. She talks about dreams and tea-leaves and Milly listens, rapt. It is the first time a teacher has not made her feel stupid. A couple of days later, she hears Granger talking loudly about how Divination is useless, and she wants to scoff because what would bookish Granger know about intuition? What does a Mud-blood know about instinctive magic, something that they are taught from birth - how to  _feel_  magic? What would Granger know about anything that isn't in a textbook?

Milly is in third year when the rumour goes around that Eloise Midge attempted to curse her acne off and she knows exactly how she feels, because boys stuck their jaws out and made stupid gawping expressions to imitate her and she tried to cover it with her scarf for three weeks. Milly is thirteen when she begins to look at the mirror a lot, and each glance is a barbed realization.

Milly is in third year when they have they have their Defence against the Dark Arts class with a new professor (again). She thinks he better than Lockhart because she doesn't get that wrong feeling around him, but there is something else, something humming and wild beneath the lined eyes and patched robes. Milly doesn't like looking at him for too long - she has been brought up looking at beauty, at riches, and this man is the polar opposite. When he tells them that they'll be dealing with a Boggart, she doesn't understand, until Pansy nudges her and glances pointedly at the large trunk on the floor.

No.

NoNoNoNoNONONO.

She is not going to showcase her deepest fear in front of everyone, she will not make herself vulnerable like that. She doesn't even know  _what it is._ No. So while the rest of the Slytherins begin to chatter amongst themselves - they like the idea almost as much as she does - she goes up to Professor Lupin and asks very quietly, if she could perhaps not do it? At first, he just looks at her, then speaks to her as if she is another adult, not just a student. He says that he knows that she might not feel like it now, but it's very important, especially for her exam. He tells her he understands if she wants to sit out, but she can't disappoint her friends, can she? He speaks as if he knows exactly what it is to be a Slytherin - one vulnerability exchanged for another and she doesn't want to be the only one not to contribute. So she steels herself and lines up as Professor Lupin tells them the incantation and wand movement.

Theo is first, the trunk is thrown open, a woman floats out and Milly recognizes her as his mother from the picture on his bedside-table. She is dead. Her form glares down at Theo, though, and he stares back, something between horror and longing on his face.  _I'm glad I'm not alive to see you_ , her voice echoes.  _Disappointment_. He says the incantation faintly and Milly wonders with mild terror how you can make your dead mother into something humorous. The answer is, you can't. He says the spell with more confidence and she turns to crystal and shatters. Professor Lupin looks as if he's beginning to realize this wasn't such a good idea.

Blaise moves forward and it's him and a woman that looks vaguely like Hestia Carrow - or maybe Flora, she can't tell them apart anyway - calling him darling, then she stabs him. He's doubled over, blood pouring from his mouth and the real Blaise steps forward, his normally deep nut-brown skin pale; he says the word and the woman slips on the blood, her heel skidding - she falls, she's dead.

Draco is next, his arm still heavily bandaged, and suddenly Bellatrix Lestrange is looming over them and someone screams.  _Draco_ , she croons,  _be a good boy, come give Auntie Bella a hug_. Draco's face is disgusted and suddenly Mrs. Lestrange's wild hair turns to snakes and she shrieks as they turn on her. Milly is so terrified by this point that she completely skips Vincent's turn, until she's jostled out of the way by Daphne. Daphne, whose worst fear turns out to be her younger sister screaming as wounds appear on her, carved by someone invisible, long silky golden hair flying around. Daphne almost shouts the incantation, rage on her face, and the wounds turn to pale green silk ribbons and surround her: Astoria laughs and claps her hands.

Milly squeezes Pansy's hand, but she doesn't look at her as she walks to the front. CRACK! The boggart is Pansy herself, complete with a sneer which quickly turns to fright as she begins to fade from view - her arms and torso disappearing, the colours of her robes becoming dull. Riddukulus!, and the colours are bright, so bright that they burn onto Milly's eyes, until they're swirling fireworks.

Now it's Milly's turn and she doesn't even know what she's going to see, let alone how to make it funny. Then it's too late and Pansy's Boggart is shifting into. . . herself. It's her, and god, does her hair really look like that. But then Boggart her starts to swell, larger and larger, her very shape distending and she knows, she knows that this is not supposed to be her greatest fear. But Milly aims her wand and says Riddikulus, once, twice. A gleaming needle pokes Not-Milly in the side and she whizzes back down.

Tracey Davis charges forward and there is a roaring lion ready to pounce; students scatter. Riddukulus and it's a kitten. For Flora Carrow, it's her twin lying dead on the ground and for Hestia it's a mermaid that snaps at her with ferocious teeth. Greg's is him burning at a stake. The Boggart shudders at each transformation now.  _Good, you're confusing it_ , Lupin shouts, and Zahra is at the front. CRACK! It's a rope coiling, lashing towards them, but then it explodes into a hundred blood-red butterflies, now it's Theo's mother again, blonde hair, fireworks, needles, serpents hissing and then it's gone with a loud noise and Lupin shuts the trunk with a bang. Milly stares blankly at the empty space. At some point, Blaise has left the room.

They don't talk about the 'incident' after that, but the nightmares keep them awake and some nights Milly wakes up to Daphne leaving her bed to check on her sister. It is in her third year that teachers scold them for not paying attention, and only when they go to Madame Pomfrey and tell her that they are having trouble sleeping, that she gives them Dreamless Sleep and mutters angrily about irresponsible teachers -  _Loosing a Boggart on children, honestly!_

It is in her third year when she realizes that the Dementors are responsible for the heavy ennui that settles around them, and that they are more affected by it because they live in the dungeons, for Merlin's sake. Even the Great Squid seems to feel it, floating wistlessly past their common room and squirting deep black ink into the water, so that the greenish tinge of the room is replaced by a dimness that seems to permeate their spirits. It's only after the fire is made to crackle at full blast, candles are enchanted to float across the room and a Warming Charm is cast, that people begin to relax. An array of food is spread out by invisible house-elves, but Milly doesn't eat her favorite lemon meringue pie, instead staring into the fire, curled up in the fluffiest socks she owns.

Millicent is thirteen when the news comes that Sirius Black came into the castle, had just come in, while they were in Hogsmeade, laughing and tasting Sugar Quills and all Milly can think of is the sick feeling she got in Honeyduke's, randomly and seemingly without cause. They all sleep in the Great Hall that night, much warmer than the dungeons, and as she's sandwiched between Pansy and Zahra, the normally quiet girl says to her, in that night voice that prompts her to whisper -  _Do you think he'll come for us?_ Milly has no answer but Pansy says in this cold unfamiliar voice that if he really is a servant of the Dark Lord, that he knows better than to come for  _them_. Milly shivers and suddenly the Great Hall is no longer as warm as it was a few moments ago.

Milly is in third year when Gryffindor wins the Quidditch match despite Draco's stupid Dementor antics - getting Vince, Grey and Marcus to help him, honestly, the boy's obsessed - and the next morning they discover that Sirus Black broke into the Gryffindor dormitory and was spotted by none other than Weasley, who gets more attention than he's worth for the next few days. Suddenly the security gets tightened - apparently the stupid knight that shouts at them every time they walk past has been fired, but strangely enough, no-one seems to worry much about the Slytherin dorms. This means that Zahra stays up all night learning how to cast Detecting Charms to guard the entrance, and even then everyone tosses and turns among the piles of blankets.

They jump at the chance to go to Hogsmeade, and only when they come back they find Draco sitting incoherent with Vince and Greg. After sufficiently teasing Draco about his terrified complaint about Potter's head floating about and throwing mud at him, they sit in companiable silence, Pansy nodding along when Draco tells them how the vicious hippogriff is going to be put down. She shudders, seeing those razor talons again and again, then blood.

It is the end of Milly's third year when they find out that Professor Lupin was a werewolf and Milly tells no-one about the feeling she had about him. She laughs with everyone else when Theo imitates Draco's blubbering rendition about Potter and his brief stint as a Dementor. Glorious, he says dramatically and Milly laughs a too-loud laugh and declines the cauldron cake Pansy offers her. Milly breathes.


	4. Fourth Year

Millicent is fourteen when she is desperate to go back to Hogwarts. Her mother reduces her intake every day, saying that she won't fit into anything at this rate and how is she going to wear the gown she bought specially for Pansy's birthday party. This is the first time her mother has been cruel to her and she's shocked into crying. Her father is more lenient on the weight side – he sneaks her lemon drizzle tartlets but tells her that she needs to pull her grades up, to make him proud, to uphold the family name. She did abysmally on her final exams last year - the combined stress of intuition, Sirius Black and her own dullness conspired to make her get Acceptables and one Exceeds Expectations in Divination.

She is fourteen when she has her first temper tantrum as a studying witch, when her mother tells her to wear another ill-fitting blouse and skirt to the train station - she shatters three mirrors in a flare of defensive magic, pulls a black short skirt out of her wardrobe along with a very loose deep green shirt, and refuses to leave the house in anything else. She's had enough of feeling horribly self-conscious last year - she doesn't want to repeat it.

She is fourteen when she gets on the train, Pansy whistles at her outfit, causing a blush to spread over her face, and Draco tells them that the Triwizard Tournament is going to be held in their school this year. Milly doesn't mind much - she's never been one to like those kind of events. It all sounds horribly dangerous anyway.

 

Millicent is fourteen when Mad-Eye Moody is introduced and she almost spits out her pumpkin juice because it feels rancid in her mouth. Her body flashes hot, then cold, and her palms go clammy. She hardly pays attention to the rest of the announcements, coming back to earth only when Pansy nudges her, saying, _Weasley's drooling at the thought of that much money._

In Herbology, they harvest Bubotuber pus, and while Pansy straight out refuses to risk her hands, Professor Sprout tells Milly not to use such an aggressive approach. Milly can't help it - the squeeze just happens to be too tight and pus goes flying everywhere. Luckily no-one is injured and she is made to sit out the rest of the lesson.

Milly is in fourth year when she sees Blast-Ended Skrewts and along with fear, she feels something else - pity. Pity for these ugly, deadly creatures that most people would like to stamp out and she's reminded of a Bubotuber pod exploding in her hand, a thousand instances of being too big, too loud, too much. Then the feeling fades when the half-breed tells them to feed the beasts frog liver. Divination is less specific than she had hoped, talking about planets and stars, and whizzing galaxies far away, and Milly really wants to tell Professor Trelawny that it's really earth they're concerned with right now.

 

Milly is in fourth year when Draco doesn't talk to anyone for a day and Vince tells them in his slow, child-like voice that Professor Moody turned him into a 'rat-sort-of-thing' and threw him around. Pansy is furious and almost in tears, and it takes Milly an hour to convince her not to do anything rash. They are Slytherins, she reminds her, and Moody is an Auror. Pansy sits with Draco until he agrees to talk to her, and Milly shudders when she thinks of being so small and helpless, the humilation, flailing around helplessly. The bruises on Draco's pale skin stay for days and his unusual quietness stays for longer.

 

Milly is in fourth year, when they have their first Defence Class with Moody and she spends most of it clutching the edge of her desk with white-knuckled fists. Pansy hates the spiders and when he casts the Crucio, hardly any of them flinch, but Blaise goes pale. She is in fourth year when the half-breed mocks Draco about the Moody incident which causes Pansy to glare and burn herself on a Skrewt.

 

Milly is in fourth year when the buzz about the Triwizard Tournament becomes unbearable, so she leaves the common room infavour of sitting in the corner of the library. She is in fourth year, when she realizes she can frighten people - a second year squeaks and scurries off after seeing her in the Divination section where hardly anybody comes. She returns to the common room after some time - feeling a mixture of pleased and unsure - and Pansy tells her that she missed Snape's lecture on how to behave in front of the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students, particularly 'not to act like Gryfindors'. Pansy imitates Snape's tones well and Milly goes breathless laughing.

Millicent is in fourth year when the students from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons arrive - they dress in their finest robes and Snape patrols them, snapping orders to straighten ties, to pull up trousers, to smooth out wrinkles in their robes. Pansy knots Draco's for him, her hands lingering on his collar, and Daphne tightens her sister's braids. Flora and Hestia exchange a moment of silent conversation as they look each other over critically.  _Miss Bulstrode_ , Snape says sharply and she jumps to attention. He looks her over for a moment and says loudly to 'please tell her friend Mr. Zabini that they are not participating in a beauty contest'. Blaise, who is admiring himself in a hand-mirror, flushes and Milly sniggers along with Tracey. Zahra is the first one to tell them quietly that something is coming.

Milly is fourteen when her heart starts to thump at the sight of a boy from Beauxbatons, her face heating and a curious tingle begins in her stomach. He is beautiful, hair a red-gold colour, the delicate lines of his face thrown into a composition of shadows by the moonlight. Draco is gushing over Viktor Krum and she briefly notices that Durmstrang has arrived while she was goggling. Millicent has always been drawn to beauty, and this boy is beautiful but in a way she can only admire. He smiles at them politely but his eyes gloss over her, lingering on the other girls. In that moment, she feels a profound sadness, looking at Pansy with her bright lipstick and Daphne with her long, gleaming tresses. Even Zahra has made an effort, lining her eyes with kohl, giving her a smoky, mysterious look. The students start to move inside and the moment is gone, but the feeling remains like the dregs of tea leaves. Krum sits at their table and Milly is almost embarrassed by how much fawning Draco's doing. Pansy's lips are pressed tightly together as another Durmstrang boy tries to talk to her. When Igor Karkaroff slides next to their table, Draco goes quiet, as does Theo, Crabbe and Goyle.

 

Milly is in fourth year when Cassius Warrington announces that he's going to put his name in the Goblet of Fire and they cheer him, but they all know what the others are thinking - if the Goblet is anything like Dumbledore in it's idea of worthy, he's never going to be picked. The rumours filter through that some underage students have tried to put their names in, and Milly is honestly baffled because she doesn't understand why people are so eager to participate in potentially deadly tasks. Pansy says it's about school pride and Milly still doesn't understand.

 

Milly is in fourth year and Harry Potter's names has just been spat out by the Goblet; Draco looks furious and the normally harmonious Hufflepuffs are sporting very ugly expressions. Millicent is fourteen when she realizes that Draco really, really hates Harry Potter with something that's more than hatred, and she remembers what her father told her once, when she said she hated Cressida Runcorn for spilling pudding all over her new dress.  _Millicent, darling_ , he had said.  _The moment you hate someone, it means you care about them. You are giving them a piece of your thoughts, of your soul, because now they matter. Otherwise you wouldn't take the time to hate them._ Milly is fourteen; she thinks of these words, notes Draco's foul mood and wonders.

 

Milly is in fourth year when Hestia whispers to her, over breakfast, that Draco stayed up all night making badges to insult Potter. They say 'Support Cedric Diggory' and Milly wonders what Draco is playing at, since she's pretty sure he hates Diggory. Milly stores away the information and asks Hestia how she knew this, since she was in the girls' dorm, wasn't she? Hestia blushes and says that Blaise told her; Milly is amused.

Milly is in fourth year and hanging around with the girls when Draco decides to show Potter his hard work. Predictably, Potter retaliates, hexes are thrown and she laughs along with Pansy at the sight of Granger's elongated teeth. They laugh harder and harder and Millicent feels exuberant, collapsing and cackling with her friends. A few days later, the ammunition against Potter increases - an article is published about his sob-story and Pansy doesn't miss a chance to snidely comment in a shrill voice so far from the one she uses with them. Milly stands by her, because Milly is a good friend and besides, Mudbloods like Granger deserve it - strolling around acting like they're better than everyone else. A surprising number of people want the 'Potter Stinks' badges and when Draco asks if they can help distributing them, Milly rolls her eyes but does it anyway.

 

Milly is fourteen and hears a shriek from the common room; when she checks to see what's wrong, she finds Draco looking into the large mirror on the wall, horrified by the small red pimple on his chin. They laugh and call him a sissy for two days straight - one by one the boys' voices start to crack and the girls are delighted by the prospect of a year full of wimp jokes.

 

Milly is fourteen when she sees real, live dragons for the first time and she is amazed. In between the champions and her admiration for the dragon, she sneaks glances at the Beauxbatons boy who is conveniently seated a few rows away. When Krum blinds one of the dragons to get her golden egg, she wants to cry, because this is a mother protecting her unborn children. Potter, of course has to make a spectacle of himself with his broomstick and Milly sees Draco's normally fine features twist into something ugly. However, she doesn't miss the way he almost jumps up when Potter swerves to avoid a jet of fire. He spends the next few days complaining about Potter so much, that whenever anything goes wrong, they mutter in their most disdainful tone -  _Potter_. This is a source of great amusement to Snape (Milly's sure she sees his mouth twitch) and consternation to Draco, and it doesn't really go away even after a couple of weeks.

 

Milly is in fourth year when the entirety of Slytherin goes bonkers over the Yule Ball - all the girls giggling over robes and hoping for someone to ask them out. Milly has already gotten used to the idea that she will be going alone, and only discusses robes with the other girls, telling Tracey that  _yes, deep blue looks good on her,_  and  _no, Shreya, lilac is not the same as lavender_. Most of the girls are of the opinion that they have to wait for the boys to ask them, but Pansy does not seem to share these ideals - she stalks across the common room in her shortest shorts and asks Draco to go to the ball with her. He agrees almost absent-mindedly, but Milly thinks it's worth it just to see that rare beam on Pansy's face. Blaise asks Milly to go with him, and she tells him very sternly, to stop dithering around and go ask Hestia. Vince asks Daphne but she turns him down for Michael Corner. Theo asks Shreya. Zahra is asked by a Ravenclaw boy. Flora is going with a Hufflepuff and Cressida has somehow managed to wrangle Terrence into asking her.

When the day of the ball comes, Milly is very much not feeling alone. At least, that's what she tells herself as everyone goes down in pairs, even Greg and Vince, and Milly trails behind, in her rather unflattering puce robes. Pansy tries to drag her along, but Milly knows how excited she is about this, and shoos her on. She is astonished by Granger's appearence as well as dance partner and gossips with Blaise about how  _Potter, of all people_  managed to go with Parvati Patil, who is looking especially pretty. She sees the Beauxbatons boy - Frances - dancing with a girl equally as gorgeous, willowy with a head of dark, silky hair.

Milly is fourteen when she watches everybody dance, twirling across the floor while she drinks a couple of Cranberry Crackers which fizz on her lips, sitting at a corner table. She leaves before everyone else and nobody stops her, crossing the bushes and heading back to the dorms. She holes up there, eating coconut creams and holding Puff, who meows and climbs onto her lap. The other girls return quite late, laughing and talking, and she expects them to go straight to sleep after the tiring evening, but Tracey pulls out an enchanted music player (which isn't quite legal) and proceeds to play swinging songs, that make Milly laugh. They let down their elaborate hairstyles, pull their robes up to their knees, and dance around the dorm, spinning and spinning, jumping on the beds, twirling around and swaying their heads. Milly is fourteen when she feels exhilarated; she feels alive.

 

Milly is in fourth year when they are approached by Rita Skeeter for an interview about the half-breed Professor's classes and Draco, still sore about the mocking, agrees readily. Pansy also participates at his behest, and they all laugh about it later in the common room. It turns out that Rita is a Animagus, and they discuss it at length over breakfast.  _It must be quite useful_ , Milly comments and Zahra hums in agreement. 

 _Yeah, for sneaking around and eavesdropping_ , Daphne says with the slightest hint of disapproval.  _I'm squashing the next beetle I find._

Shreya smirks, nudging Tracey _. You say that as if you don't eavesdrop on the boys in the common room_ , she says slyly and the rest of them laugh as Daphne tosses her hair over her shoulder, clearly unabashed. 

 _It takes a lot of work, though_ , Zahra adds.  _A lot of practice_.

In between bites of toast, Milly says, _It's still cool though_. There is a chorus of agreement, then Pansy says, suddenly -  _I'd quite like to become an Animagus_.

Daphne doesn't look up from the crumpet she's buttering as she asks  _Yeah? What, a beetle?_  and all of them laugh again. _No_ , Pansy says, her gaze elsewhere.  _A bird, maybe. Perhaps then. . .  
_

Millicent, along with Daphne, looks in the direction of her gaze and sees Draco smiling softly, running a finger through his eagle owl's downy feathers. They don't talk much after that, because there's an unwritten rule that you never, never talk about Pansy's vulnerabilities - unless you want to end up with a heavily deflated ego and boils in some very painful places.

Millicent is in fourth year when she finds out that the person Potter will miss the most is Ron Weasley, and Viktor Krum is infatuated with Granger (Pansy is furious) and Fleur Delacour's love for her sister is barely surpassed by Daphne's love for hers. Pansy doesn't miss the opportunity to humiliate Granger and gives another interview; so does Draco - the school year goes on.

Millicent is fourteen when she is sitting in the audience for the third task and suddenly, her stomach roils and she throws up over the side of the seats, fighting the nausea that overtakes her. She is fourteen when Potter appears outside the maze, with a limp body. Even with the sick, familiar feeling that overtakes her, it takes a few seconds to sink in. Then someone screams. The rustle passes through the crowd as a throng of adults surround Potter -  _Cedric Diggory is dead._

Millicent is fourteen when she properly thinks about death, about the idea of suddenly not existing, gone, your body an empty shell. Where do you go? What do you do? Will people ever know all your thoughts? She feels the inevitability and irreversibility of it and her bones feel like stone. Milly is fourteen when she thinks about her own life being cut off like that and she is terrified.

Millicent is in fourth year when Dumbledore raises a toast to Cedric Diggory, then tells them that the Dark Lord has returned. Pansy leans forward, the anticipation on her face in sheer contrast to the horrified whispers running through the Hall. Draco whispers something to Vince and Greg, something that sounds suspiciously like  _It's true_. Then Dumbledore raises a toast to Potter, and Milly is going to get up - just for the sake of not getting into trouble - when Draco whispers furiously -  _Don't you dare!_ Only the few people around him hear it, and after a split-second decision, Milly remains in her seat. Daphne doesn't, however, and it's inappropriately comical to see how she dithers between a half-stand and a squat, bafflement written across her features.

Milly is fourteen and on the train home; she's joking around with everyone and Pansy looks at her watch and says, where's Draco, because he hasn't returned from his custom go-torture-Potter-on-the-train trip and Milly rolls her eyes and has to go help Pansy find him. They find him, Vince and Greg unconscious in the corridor, looking very horrible from the effects of the hexes Potter has used on them. Draco's head has been swollen, and Pansy looks down on him with agony written across her face, and Milly really, really wants to punch Draco, because it's not fair that her best friend has to suffer just because he can't keep his fat mouth shut.

Milly is fourteen when she feels like things are going to change forever - nothing will ever be the same - but the feeling is gone as Tracey offers her a cauldron cake, asking if Milly saw Blaise's pathetic attempt at shaving. Milly laughs and ignores the knot in her stomach.


	5. Fifth Year

Millicent is fifteen when her mother is on her fifth glass of wine and is trying to shout Millicent into wearing the stupid dress she's bought. Milly is fifteen when she says 'NO' in a voice that is too loud, then her mother. Starts. Screaming and it's like a dam being broken, lies and pain and viciousness flooding out, acid seething through her bones, flooding and flooding and it's like shards wrapped in water. Her mother is screaming like she never has before, screaming that Millicent is a filthy half-blood who will never get a husband, who will always look like a fat pig and she knew she wasn't her child anyway, with those features everybody knew that she was a child of a whore –

 

 

Milly is fifteen when she bolts. She sees her father's horrified face but doesn't hear his pleas, his explanations. She is half-blind and dazed, her world has been cracked and she's peering through a distorted mirror.  
She grabs her trunk, throwing things in, her robes, parchment, new books and quills. She stands with her bags in one hand, Puff tucked under the other, and floos Pansy, asking if she can stay with her for the last few weeks of holidays. Pansy agrees immediately and Millicent is fifteen when she stays up all night in Pansy's familiar room and thinks blindly how she could have missed the signs, rocking back and forth in the darkness.

 

 

Milly is fifteen when she learns to school her features into stone so if people asks why her eyes are red, why she's arriving with Pansy instead of with her parents, she can look at them and say that it's none of their business. She's still unsure, though, agonizing over what people are going to think, what they're going to say, working herself into such a state that when Pansy asks her if she plans to mope around forever, Milly replies cuttingly, asking if Pansy is going to pine after Draco forever? She regrets it the moment the words are out, like a poorly-thrown dagger, but Pansy's face doesn't move and when it does, it is something like approval.

 

 

Milly is fifteen when she is woken up in the middle of the night by Pansy, her cheeks damp and the remnants of terror fading.  _You were crying_ , she whispers, and asks what is wrong. Millicent is torn – on one hand Pansy seems to share the Dark Lord's ideals, always ridiculing and sneering at half-bloods and Muggle-borns. On the other hand, she's Milly's  _best friend_ , and besides she doesn't say anything to the half-bloods in Slytherin. So Milly tells her, says the dreadful secret where it swallows the space between them, whilst simultaneously berating herself internally, and Pansy is quiet for a very long time.

Finally, she speaks, saying into the pitch blackness between them, as if the darkness will capture the words and keep them forever - _Draco has some half-bloods in his family_. And Millicent wants to collapse with relief, as she hugs Pansy – it feels like one thousand knots on her ribs have been loosened and Pansy promises, holding her wrist tightly in the dead of night, she promises –  _No-one will ever know_.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when she wears robes her size – when Pansy sees her new ones, she tuts and sends them to the house elf to be taken in.  _Your bitch of a mother obviously doesn't like anyone looking prettier than her_ , Pansy says and Milly gives a startled laugh.  _As if I could_ , Milly says carelessly and Pansy seems to take it as a challenge because she spends an hour lecturing Milly on the virtues of eyeliner and hair-grooming.

When her robes come back, Milly is astonished because it's so very flattering without making her feel like a pheasant being prepared to be stuffed. Pansy agrees, telling her that while Madame Malkin is very good with fabric,  _she_   _doesn't know a thing about custom fitting, poor darling_. She also tells her a secret – that even though Twilfitt and Tatting's stitch for the finest families, they expect all pureblood girls to be slender and willowy, not curvy like Pansy and Milly.

Milly laughs again and says she's not curvy, she's just fat. Pansy sniffs and asks her if she can lift a table easily and Milly says yes. Pansy informs her, in a very dignified manner, that, in that case, she is muscular – not fat.

Millicent is fifteen when she actually, properly looks at her body and realizes that she has been using the wrong term to describe herself for a long time. She sees that while her shoulders are slightly broad, her torso tapers down. The puppy fat is gone and she's left with not a flat, but a very reasonable amount of stomach. Her legs are a little stocky, yes but her calf muscles are defined and she can wear skirts, unlike her mother informed her. If she straightens up and walks properly, instead of hunching over, her arms feel the correct length, not like she's a hulking gorilla. Her waist does go in at the proper spot and flares out afterward, even if it does flare out with a little too much enthusiasm. She feels lighter and even though she still has to actively try not to curl in on herself, it seems to be working. Pansy looks very smug.

 

Millicent is fifteen when she first arrives on Platform 9 and ¾ without her parents, and people don't stare, no-one whispers and only Mrs. Parkinson asks absentmindedly -  _Didn't your mother come, Milly dear?  
_

Millicent is fifteen and on the train when the compartment door slides open and she sees Draco, and Pansy is unable to form sentences for half the train journey because puberty has done wondrous things to him. He seems to have grown into his features, which look aristocratic instead of just pointy, he's almost a head taller than them and Milly doesn't know what kind of work he's done to get the muscles in his forearms. Even Tracey seems a little speechless. Draco says that they have to go patrol the train and Pansy follows, but she looks back at Milly with this sort-of-helpless look; it is the first time Milly sees a terror on her friend's face and she doesn't understand.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when she learns the release of sharp strokes of eyeliner, lower necklines and casual swearing. A little bit of Sleekeazy's does wonders and Ernie Macmillan can't seem to keep his eyes on his textbook. Fifth-year seems to be a gateway - swearing becomes so very easy, and their time in the common room is spent exchanging ' _Fuck you_ ' and ' _Bitch_ ' and ' _Fuck off_ ' and ' _Cunt_ '. They're in an extra Potions class one day when Blaise drops ink all over his paper and proceeds to say ' _Merlin's fucking balls_ ' very loudly, at which Professor Snape freezes and the rest of them stifle giggles into their books at Blaise's horrified expression. He gets detention for a week and they don't stop calling him a  _fucking idiot_  for twice that time.

 

Millicent is in fifth year when she meets Dolores Umbridge, and very slowly begins to hate her. She makes them read the textbook, and Milly's never liked reading, because the words are sluggish and don't penetrate her memory - like just skimming the the surface of milk again and again without ever drinking it. It's less about Umbridge herself and more about how she makes Milly feel, like some kind of sickness coating her skin. Millcicent is in a foul mood for the rest of the day, baring her teeth at first years and It's only after three classes that Millicent decides that it's enough of denial and she has to do something about this form of advanced intuition that's driving her mad.

She sits in the library, reading texts called Scrying the Unknown and Seeing through the Veil and it's only with some very dedicated effort that she manages not to fall asleep. It's only when she opens the book Seers throughout the Ages when she finds it. A list of seer family trees, listing back to ages ago, when witches were still hunted.  
Then she sees a familiar name - Violetta Black née Bulstrode - which she only paid attention to because Violetta was apparently Draco's great-great-grandmother or something and Milly never heard the end of it from Pansy. She had resisted the urge to tell her that Milly wasn't even directly descended from her - Violetta Bulstrode was like her great-great-great-aunt. . . or something like that. She puts her finger on the picture of Violetta, who sniffs an turns away, then drags it upwards following the lines, until she she sees a name with a tick next to it.

 **Edda Bulstrode, B. 1703, D. 1719**.

With a little grinding of her brain, Milly figures out that Edda was sixteen when she died, and she feels a involuntary shudder run down her spine when she realizes that she'll be sixteen next year. Milly also realizes that she is a Seer, slightly belatedly, as she sliding the book back into place and the shock is enough to make her drop the book. Madame Pince screeches at her for a few minutes and she returns, dazed to the dorms.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when she first stalks out to the Quidditch Pitch in the dead of night, as rain drizzles down, cold air running through her tied-up hair. She is filled with a restless spirit, an inward defiance, and she needs  _something_ , something that is out of reach. She opens the lock on the shed with a simple  _Alohomora_  and grabs the first one she finds. She says Up and there must be something in her voice that makes the broom spring up. She seats herself on it and it's shaky but she urges it higher and higher, she wants to feel  _something_ , anything, higher, higher, winds and water lashing her face. All of a sudden, her slick grip slips and for a brief moment, it feels as if something has jolted in her chest, a sharp tug in her stomach as she rights herself shakily. In that moment, she knows she found what she was looking for; her heart is pounding and her cold clothes cling to her and she throw her head back and tastes rain, tastes life.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when one of the girls sneaks in a copy of  _Pleasure and Potions for Witches_ , and they giggle over some of the more naughtier recipes and gawk over a picture of a witch on a chair, her blouse unbuttoned at the front to show a heaving chest enclosed in black lace, one of her hands going up underneath her robes and moving furiously as she threw her head back and panted. They look at it for quite some time and Milly feels hot all over, with something strange going on in her abdomen. When they leave the dorm, Blaise asks them why they all look so red and looks a bit nonplussed when they burst out laughing.

 

 

Millicent is in fifth year, in the doorway of the Great Hall and concentrating on trying to transfigure something into a quill so she can quickly scrawl down her Charms homework conclusion when Angelina Johnson and her group of Gryffindor cronies walk up to the doors.  _Are you going to move, Bulstrode_ , Angelina asks mockingly,  _or keep taking up all the space available?_ Milly is in fifth year when she steps aside, cheeks burning, and clenches her wand under her robes to prevent herself from casting a nasty hex because she knows that whatever happens, she will be blamed. Dumbledore, Gryffindor-lover that he is, would jump at the chance to expel a Slytherin.

Milly is in fifth year when Draco ushers them all down to the Quidditch Pitch, saying that apparently Weasley's going to play, and Milly wants to ask him where he gets all this gossip from. Draco can't hold his tongue for five seconds and mocks Weasley immediately, then Pansy is next. What's surprising is that, she goes for Angelina Johnson. It's not surprising that she goes for girls - Pansy's always had this sort of vindictive hatred for girls in other houses - but she's never been concerned about Johnson,of all people. And when she screeches about Johnson's hair, she has this vicious undertone to her voice and Milly doesn't know if anybody notices.

Only when Pansy loops her arm through Milly's and grumbles about Draco's scarf not being thick enough, Milly understands. She understands and offers Pansy a strip of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. They blow bright-blue bubbles onto the pitch and laugh as the Gryffindor players swerve to avoid them.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when she hears that there's a Boggart in the second-year abandoned Charms classroom and she and Pansy sneak out at night to go look for trouble. They cast a Silencing Charm on the door of the classroom, because they are still Slytherins. They open the trunk, standing at a distance and Milly must be closer because the person to come out is her mother who is not her mother, looking forbidding and looming over them as she screeches  _half-blood whore,_ but Milly knows what she wants to do, she is cold, she is angry, she is what people fear as she says Riddukulus and something slashes at her mother's chest, something carving out the words 'NO'. Pansy is next and once again, her greatest fear is fading out of view and she makes herself burst into fireworks because Pansy doesn't just want to be remembered, she wants to be immortalized, as something beautiful and colourful. They take turns with the Boggart until it flees back into the cupboard and Milly feels victorious, like she wants to snarl at it -  _You see? We are not afraid. We can beat you_. She memorizes the feeling, and when they're padding back to the dungeons, she asks Pansy, very quietly, why her Boggart isn't Draco. She means to say -  _Why isn't it your rejection? Why isn't it him not loving you?_ \- but Pansy seems to understand as she stops, nightgown swishing around her ankles, and faces Milly in the dark corridor. _You can only fear something if you're unsure of it_ , Pansy says and Millicent feels a sort of ache in her heart, because Pansy's face looks small and pale in the dark corridor and she hugs her friend, not saying anything.

 

Millicent is fifteen when she realizes that they revolve around Draco Malfoy. It's like he's the sun in their little Slytherin solar system, and they all go out of their way to get a small piece of his approval, just a tiny bit of praise. She could take the easy route and say that it's because of his last name and the prestige attached to it, but in reality, she knows that there is just something about him that draws people in, captivates them with his beauty and smooth words and hilarious remarks. Vince, Greg, Theo, Blaise, Pansy, they all circulate him, Milly too.

Vince and Greg are the thugs, all muscle but the least interest in thinking for themselves. Even Zahra sighs and helps him with his homework whenever he asks; Milly sometimes wonders why she wasn't in Ravenclaw, but then sees that gleam in her eyes, the way she stocks up on Hex books and creates time-delayed curses, and Milly no longer wonders.

Daphne's primary concern is for her sister, but she is the one that listens to him despite anything, utilizing her ability to cast quick spells when no-one is looking, merely a shadow.

Flora and Hestia are mostly silent and absorbed in each other but always rise to the occasion when Draco calls for it, quietly listening and reporting back.

Pansy, dear Pansy, is the pining general, willing to go to the ends of the earth for him. All Draco has to do is ask her to jump and she'll reply –  _How high?_   She goes along with every scheme, plot and plan, and never asks for anything in return.

Blaise is every man's nightmare, since he grew into his looks, perpetually handsome and charming, particularly adept at getting them out of trouble.

Theo, quiet, restrained Theo who brushes hands with Draco, who normally isn't in casual contact with anyone, who Draco lets lean on him, forever the voice of reason. Theo, who is as deadly as he is subdued, and everybody pretends not to notice that he flinches every-time someone says 'Death Eater'.

 

She is in fifth year when she complains to Draco, asking why they have to follow Umbridge around and Draco replies snidely –  _what would you know, Milly?_

There is a weight on the word 'you', making it drag out in it's emphasis, laden with enough contempt that Milly doesn't think. Her inner Pansy has sprung out from between the cracks Draco's words have made, and into the uncomfortable silence, she says –  _You're right, Draco_ , in a voice that manages to convey mocking and the sharp edge of anger at the same time,  _I don't know what to make of your unnatural obsession with Potter. It's almost like the one that Vince had with Celestina Warbeck_. And the laughter is raucous because everyone knows why Vince keeps the picture of the singer under his pillow, and it isn't out of appreciation for her voice. Draco's flush is obvious on his pale cheeks and he storms out of the dorm. Later, he apologizes to Milly and she says it's okay, but does he really harbor a secret burning desire for Potter, and he shoves her and she shoves him back and it's okay.

 

 

Millicent is in fifth year when the rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor reaches an all new high - all because of stupid Quidditch - and they move in droves so the chances of getting hexed are reduced. Of course they throw their fair share of curses but they're mostly preoccupied with making sure the first and second years aren't harmed. She is in first year when she finds Cassius in cupboard in the common room, shaking. He tells her that if he doesn't win the match, his father's going to be very angry because he'd have brought shame to Slytherin. Milly sees the scars on his hands and arms, remembers him ruffling her hair and giving first years rides on his hulking shoulders. She gives him some chocolate and thinks that Potter's so famous because of one stupid scar and people seem to forget that everyone has scars.

 

She is in fifth year when Draco bursts into the common room with sheafs of paper, saying that they're going to mock Weasley by singing a song about him and his loser family and terrible Quidditch skills. They stay up late learning the song until Milly's quite frankly sick of it, Draco marching up and down, barking orders.  _That's a B-flat, Blaise_ , he snaps.  _Soprano_ , he sighs to Shreya.  _You're a soprano._ To Daphne he cries _, Sing from your stomach!_ They imitate him behind his back and fall about laughing.  
On the day of the Quidditch match, Draco gets into a fight with Potter (again), and Milly is bored. Her premonitions are still only feelings but they are becoming more frequent - it's almost second nature now.

 

 

Millicent doesn't go home for Christmas. She writes a very short, very cold letter to her parents (Pansy would approve) and holes up in the common room with sweets, playing Gobstones with the children who's parents have gone out of the country. She chats with the suit of armour outside the dungeons and she is surprised when Pansy comes back early, saying,  _Paris was so boring, darling._ Milly hugs her best friend and drags her to watch the Giant Squid.

 

Milly is in fifth year when she watches Pansy reduce a dead boy to another pretty face, just for a sneer at Cho Chang and Potter and she feels slightly uncomfortable, even as she laughs. It is not the first time she has seen ugliness in her house and it's not the last, but she remembers the feeling she had about death, she remembers Moody's lesson on curses, watches the spider fall and something crawls under her skin and settles there.

 

 

Milly is in fifth year when a quarter of her friends' parents are named as Death Eaters all because of Saint Potter's interview, stupid Potter who doesn't know what he's done. Theo becomes a shell of himself, hardly eating anything and it's hard to tell if Draco is more furious about his own father being named or Theo's condition. It's the first time she's seen Draco actively care - he carries around steaming chicken soup in a bottle with a Warming Charm, and feed Theo at regular intervals. Blaise informs Milly that they sleep in one bed, and she feels her cheeks heat for some inexplicable reason.

 

 

Millicent is in fifth year when she has her first Divination class with Firenze the centaur. His beauty is remarkable and Milly is highly susceptible to it. The way he talks about Divination is beautiful and when he speaks of the utter insignificance of humanity, she feels oddly reassured, like nothing has ever been so right - that whether or not anything happens to her, these stars, planets and galaxies will keep spinning. They burn herbs and Milly can only see faint shapes in the smoke - two boys embracing, a rat and a sword.

When everyone else complains that they can't see anything, she keeps quiet and after the class, Firenze asks her to stay behind. He asks her what she saw and after a bit of mumbling, she gets it out and he looks at her thoughtfully and nods.  _You have a gift_ , he says and Milly tells him (very politely) that throwing up whenever something bad happens isn't that great of a gift.

He looks amused for a moment, before telling her that burning herbs every month can reduce the effects.  _You need an outlet for your Seeing,_  he explains.  _I do not advise crystal balls._ Milly sniggers, then claps her hands over her mouth and Firenze looks even more amused as he dismisses her.

 

 

Milly is in fifth year when they each come to Umbridge's office and when it is Milly's turn, Umbridge says in this saccharine sweet voice that she knows that  _Millicent dear isn't coping with the classes quite well, and how would she like the chance to improve her grades?_ Even through the burning humiliation, Milly knows that she has never wanted to throttle someone so much, even Draco when he's being a prat, but she sees the smirk carved through Umbridge's doughy face and digs her nails into her palms. She needs grades, otherwise she will be reduced to what her mother said about her.

Boys can be nice, but she doesn't want to spend her life saddled with one. OWLs are approaching and suddenly Millicent thinks, one sharp thought,  _I will do this_.

She doesn't care if she's not sure what she wants to be - she'll take her marks whichever way she can get them and she will get good ones. So she looks up and says 'Yes' in a firm voice, and she doesn't care about the smugness written on the toad's face, it's Milly who'll have the last laugh.  
The badge is pinned to her chest while she pins a reminder to the wall of her brain - Dolores Umbridge does not rule her.

 

 

Milly is fifteen when Graham Montague disappears. The entire House is in a panic, searching almost the whole castle for him, both during and between classes. His girlfriend - Domina Cascio - is beside herself; she doesn't cry but she starts chewing her nails to a bloody mess and that's more concerning than anything because Domina's nails are the pride of Slytherin. They roam in groups and their anger bursts out in sporadic fits, because it is justified because one boy has disappeared and everyone's treating it like it's a great big joke. Only once, one of the Ravenclaw girls comes up to Zahra and tentatively says that she hopes Montague is safe.

 

 

Milly is in fifth year when Fred and George Weasley make a swamp explode in the middle of a corridor and soar out of the castle on their brooms. She watches as Umbridge swells with rage and she is reminded horribly of her first Boggart. Peeves becomes worse than ever and things come to a head when he drops a bag of tarantulas in the Great Hall and Milly still can't sleep at the memory of the horrible things crawling over her.

Someone hexes Pansy with a set of antlers and Milly doesn't try to convince her that they aren't that bad, she just goes to the hospital wing everyday and deposits her notes and homework there, sometimes studying with her. Granger looks pleased whenever she sees Pansy's empty place and Millicent  ** _hates_  **her, so much, wants to grab a handful of that mop of hair and  _bash_  her head against something. All of the members of the Squad are hexed with something or the other - Milly almost fights Pomfrey tooth-and-nail to get back to classes when she's hit with a curse that swells her head up to double the size of a Quaffle. Cassius's skin starts peeling, Draco gets a horned tongue and Greg loses all his hair.

 

When Montague is finally discovered, he's not the same. He was always a little slow, but kind to the first and second years and now it's difficult for him to even form sentences. Milly could remember him giving her sticky squares of nougat when she was younger, and somehow, he'd always end up reading stories to them in the common room, no matter how much he'd grumble.  
Domina sits by his bedside for two days then finally sobs when his parents come, convinced that it's somehow her fault. Milly sits in a secret room in the dungeons and tries to get rid of the nausea by burning sage and mallow-sweet. All it does is give her a giant head-ache.

 

Milly is in fifth year when Slytherins are almost the only ones going to classes, apart from most of the Ravenclaws, because Draco, the idiot, forbade them to buy anything from the Weasley clones - so now people are throwing up everywhere and bleeding all over the floor and Milly is really bloody fed up. The OWLs are sneaking up and she's almost thrumming with anxiety, despite Umbridge's reassurances. She's still been studying though - trying to bang the books' contents into her head. Sometimes she really does feel stupid but she asks Zahra about the goblin revolutions and corners Tracey to help her with Astronomy, and the feeling lessens. They scrawl notes onto the smooth stone walls of the dungeons and reserve two tables at the library to spread their work out and test each other, and the feeling lessens.  
Draco keeps bragging about how his father knows all the examiners, but Crabbe tells Milly, in his soft, slow voice that he was reciting the names of Saturn's moons in his sleep. Milly rolls her eyes and continues muttering ingredients needed for a Forgetfulness potion.

 

 

Milly is in fifth-year when the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match happens and even Pansy says she doesn't want to go, so they stay in the dungeons and light a fire to warm up. Draco is in a foul mood when he stalks in - apparently Gryffindor has won and the players have adopted Draco's song as their anthem.

 

 

Milly is in fifth year when they've caught Potter and his lackeys apparently trying to contact someone by sneaking into Umbridge's office. Draco keeps laughing, but Milly is grumpy and sleep-deprived, so the only thing that makes it better is a sniveling and struggling Granger, and she twists her arm a little more on purpose because  _this is payback_.

Umbridge calls Professor Snape, who looks as grumpy as Milly feels. The conversation that follows is the weirdest thing Milly has ever heard and all she wants to do is go check her Potions book to see if she should add mistletoe berries after or before the Valerian sprigs, and then sleep for a day. It's almost a relief when Umbridge leaves, but then Milly's stomach roils and she throws up right there. Potter's lackeys strike and suddenly Draco's face is covered with flapping greyish-green things and Pansy is screaming as she slashes her wand, then goes silent as a Stunner hits her.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen when she drags Pansy to the hospital wing as Draco careens down the corridor, followed by Vince, Greg and Cassius. After that, despite Pomfrey's protests, she sprints all the way to classroom eleven, and stands panting in the doorway as Professor Firenze stares out of the window, surrounded by trees and dense foliage.  _You sense it, don't you?_ , he says.  _Something has tipped the scales.  
_

 _I thought you said human occurrences don't matter,_ Milly says.

 _This is different. This will lead to war,_ he says distantly.

 

 

Milly is fifteen and she's running back to the dungeons, when she sees Professor Snape almost running, but not quite, his cloak sweeping behind him. When he sees her, he tells her urgently, to make sure everyone is in the dorms and not to come out, no matter what Umbridge says. She nods frantically and he sweeps away. Pansy has recovered and is back in the dorms - Milly grabs her and says,  _I need to show you something.  
_

She drags her best friend to the underground room, and prays to Morgana to show her some sort of sign, to let this work. She's not sure exactly what happens after she lights the herbs, but she snaps out of some sort of daze to find Pansy standing over her, her cheek stinging.  _Did you hit me?_ , she asks incredulously and sees the shock on Pansy's face, as out of place as caviar at a pub. _You were talking about the Dark Lord_ , she says, gulping a deep breath in. _How he's come back, and something about a wounded lion._

Pansy looks at Millicent for a moment.  _You're a Seer_ , she says, then hugs Milly. And no-one hugs quite like Pansy, like she's folding you into her because she fights fiercely and loves just as fiercely. Milly breathes, inhales Bisou de Mer, which smells like plum and damp white roses, and pushes that feeling of dread to the back of her head.

 

 

Millicent is fifteen and sitting in Pansy's house (she sent a perfunctory letter to her parents), biting into a crumbling croissant when Pansy's owl lands with the Daily Prophet and the shockingly familiar face of Mr. Malfoy is on the front-page, along with a few others she doesn't know.  _Prominent member of society, Lucius Malfoy, arrested,_  it screams, followed by  _Convicted Death Eater_.

 

 

As Pansy is saying We have to go we have to see him there must be some kind of mistake, trying to get some ink and paper, Milly's blood runs cold.


End file.
